Learning the Hard Way

Cover my eyes so I can't see

Tell me things I want to believe

Whisper sweet lies so lovely I burn

I promise that I will never learn.

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I met with Thomas at the gym today. I had practiced everything I was going to say. I wasn't going to take this treatment anymore, but when I saw him... I remembered everything I love about him.

I wish this was easier. I really do. But the problem is that I've never in my life wondered if someone was lying to me. I've always just assumed everyone tells me the truth. Which is stupid. Because it's impossible for everyone to be telling you the truth 100% of the time.

I honestly don't think he's trying to hurt me. I also don't think he's actually an asshole. I think he just doesn't know how to get himself out of the rock and a hard place he has with his ex-girlfriend.

I've decided that the best that can be done is for me to take myself out of the equation. I want to remain his friend, but more distant- since nearness equates to heartache. I can't be with him while he's living with her. He may not know how to get himself out of the pain his choices cause him, but I don't have to live with his choices. I really don't want to give up on him- if he leaves her while I'm here- I'll skip along back to him. But... looking into the mirror at my bloodshot and shiny with tears eyes. The swollen red nose and the tissues scattered around my desk... I just can't continue to do this. Which really makes me sad. I do deserve better than what I'm getting. It's not so much him trying to hurt me, as much as not stopping the factors in his life from effecting me.

Being Better

Wow, it's been a while since I've updated. Most of the time I've been away traveling with my parents. Some of the time was because I was busy with Thomas. And now- Now it's mostly because I have nothing happy to report.

Tuesday I took my parents to the train station in Stuttgart and saw them off on their way home. I thought I would then go hang out with my Sweetie- Thomas. But he didn't respond to my calls. Over and over again. I was really getting worried, because that's not like him. Turns out while I was seeing my parents off, Thomas was being rushed to the hospital for weird heart rhythms. At one point his pulse was over 200 beats per minute. Crazy. So now the boy just needs rest, and less stress. Unfortunately this is not to be.

He still lives with his ex because it's hard to have an apartment on your own in Germany. It's really expensive. He's found a new apartment which he will be moving into at the beginning of August. So I've been understanding. Except since she showed up at the hospital while I was there with Thomas- she's kind of lost it. She actually went onto his Kwick (kind of like myspace in Germany) website and has been deleting my messages to him, and sent me a message- written by her, but under his profile- saying:

"Hello Tiffi...
I'm sorry we must cancel the conetion between us because the relaconship to my girlfriend its too importend and i love her!

So please delet my phonenumber and please dont try to call me!

Take care!"

Ha! Like I would really believe that was him to begin with. This chick is seriously out of her mind. First- that doesn't sound like him. Second- he can't stand her. Third- he never makes that many grammatical mistakes.

Unfortunately he left his iphone on the u-bahn on Tuesday when he was heading home from the hospital. (dumbass). So I can't even call him. It's all very stressful and horrible. But I will be the better woman here. (because I'm already the bigger one ;-) ) and I will not break her into a thousand little pieces as I would like to do. *Sigh* It's not easy being better than others.