Bathwater

Read the lyrics.

Know my thoughts.

I'm letting go.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee3nUSyxdBE

Nearly There...

Muahahaha Hee hee hee hee hee!
I just sent in my last paper today! Now I just need to order my finals tomorrow and I'm in business. I take my finals next week and then I am ready to request graduation. All I need to do is request graduation by July 15th then I'm an August 2009 Graduate!!! Woo Hoo!!!

Now all I have to do is study... a lot. I'm not really worried about the 60s final- because I've aced everything so far. But the History of Western Civ. could be an issue. I got a D on the midterm and if I get an F on the final I automatically fail the class- NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Horror of horrors! So I'm really going to be working hard on this. Damn thing is comprehensive too. Ugh.

Oh, and I found out that Thomas is in trouble at work because I come there too often. Oops! But really, as long as he gets his work done what is the big deal? I'm a fit and swim member so if I want to study by the pool, really, they can kiss my ass. But I don't want to get him in trouble. Shit. Oops.

Fixin' Problems and Makin' Progress

I've decided to make my blog more private and less out in the open. So I've switched the web address. Unfortunately- this is a pain in the ass. But it's now done. The only real downside is that I had to change the imported blog on my facebook and that caused it to get rid of all my messages and comments that friends had left. Damn it! I liked those. Oh well, I'm now a bit smarter about my blog. If nothing else I'm learning. ... I hope. I think most people go to my blog through facebook or my website- so I don't think I lost anyone I know. Otherwise I don't really care too much. (sorry.)

In addition, I've decided to change my blog so that only people I've invited can read it. I've just been talking to much about everything recently. If you want to continue being able to read my blog you have until July 5th- so one week- to send me your email address and how I know you. Otherwise you will no longer be able to read my blog. That or be on my facebook friends list. Soooo yeah. There it is. I'm going private.

Okay, so I sent out the 60s final paper yesterday and today I worked really hard on my other paper and I expect to have it finished tomorrow. I will then send it in Monday and be ready to take the finals next week. Woo Hoo! Hmmm I wonder what it's like to have no school worries. It's been so long...... There will be partying on the end of finals night- that I can tell you. :D

The Creeping Crud

I've got what my dad would call "the creeping crud"- which basically means I'm sick. I started feeling sick last night. Then during the night I started sweating and having chills now. Now I'm completely feverish, still doing to sweating/chills thing, and my stomach is revolting against me. Ugghghh. I don't feel good.

And to make matters worse, my mind is being messed with again...I think... I don't know. God, I'm tired of this. I'm really ready to come home. That's one nice thing about coming back. I just get to drop the baggage off at the plane terminal and walk away from it. Let it solve itself and leave it at that.

I'm still working on my last paper. I'm going to rope some people into looking at it for me, then I'm going to send the sucker in and request my finals. Yay! I want to be done soooo much. One less thing to stress me out.

As far as my mind being messed with, I really want to go down to Fildorado and find out what is what, but I really don't feel well. I figure I'll see how I feel these evening and take it from there. I know where he is until 10:30pm. so I can always try to track him down. Unfortunately this crud has made me have to cancel my party plans with my friends tonight. Which really bums me out. But knowing how late they will want to stay out clubbing---it's just not a good idea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

It's hard to know that you want the best for someone. To know that they deserve it, and so much more. And to know that you can't get it for them. They have to do it. I want to help, I want to do it for him, but I can't. And because in so many ways, I'm impotent- I just don't know how to deal.

I can't hand a visa to him

I can't get a job for him

I can't break it off with his ex for him

I can't stop his bad habits for him

I can't .... I just can't.

And I really want to.

But even then, I don't actually want to change him.

I just want him to be happier, and I think these things would make him happy.

But even if I could do all these things- He wouldn't appreicate them as much if he doesn't have to work for them. (I blame both my parents and Dorothee for that opinion).

In other news:

I am working on my last paper. Then I'll order my finals- take them- and be done with school...FOREVER!!! Muah ha ha ha ha!

Just a Spoon Full of Sugar...

I'm currently trying to get ready and pack everything to go to the Rheingau today. Dorothee and Alex's big shindig is starting tonight and running until Sunday. It's their combined 40th B-day party and they invited like 46 of their closest friends. It should be interesting. From what I've seen this is going to be a really fancy party- like I've never been to... okay, Cottey's Hanging of the Greens was pretty fancy- but that was a college and this is a couple. I'm excited. Added to that I finally have a reason to wear one of my cute little dresses I brought with me.

When tried on the little black dress and the little red dress Dorothee asked me where I had been hiding them. I wasn't really hiding them, I just never had anywhere to wear them. But I do now, and I'm excited. I even went and bought new shoes. They are high heeled, open toed, white with black lace cover with a patent leather bow. (that description was more for the female readers than the males.) I've very excited. I will post party pictures of my getup. Oh, and what makes me super excited is that I'm going to wear the red dress- which- since I've been working out so much and have lost quite a bit of weight (especially in but and waist) I look really good in it!

There is one part of this trip that makes me just want to say "no, that's okay. You can go without me." and that is that for over 2 hours I'm going to be sandwiched between the hulking kiddie seats in the backseat of the Land Rover. And while you may think-- Land Rover's are huge. What are you talking about?- well. Not big enough. I'll have to post a picture- but it's a damn tight squeeze- and I'm caustrophobic. Not a fan of small spaces. They make me panic attack-ish. ugh.

In other news:

Thomas and I have returned to our pre-hospital state of happiness. I get to see him everyday- which like a spoon full of sugar- makes the medicine of work, papers, school, homesick, and stress go down. In a most delightful way. lol :D I'm looking forward to the party today- but I'm going to not see Thomas for THREE DAYS! *gasp of horror* I KNOW! It's terrible- but somehow through the miracle of cell phones- I plan to survive. :D


Dorothee got the cast taken off and an astronaut boot replaced it. I'm really happy that at least she can somewhat walk now. Which is good.

Carola's sneaky gene still hasn't quite got it right yet. I guess she decided she didn't want to eat the stuff her mom packed for her for snack at school. Instead of getting rid of it in a trashcan between here and school (the sneaky thing to do) she instead threw it away in her bedroom trashcan. Which - HELLLO!!!! Is completely findable. And find it Dorothee did. And screaming- Dorothee did. Completely reasonable. Carola is very bad at following rule number 1- because she always gets caught- (Let's hope it stays this way... the getting caught part).

************

*Added on after Original Posting*

I feel I have to come back and add this.

(Writing is how I work things out, deal with me.)

----------------

How stupid is this? I saw him about 13 hours ago- I saw him twice yesterday and I'm going through withdraw. Whenever I'm away I miss him almost immediately. I've never been wrapped up in a guy like this. If I were on the outside looking in I would think "Holy Shit! A Stalker!"- then I would run for cover. I think that's why the whole "Living with Psycho Ex" thing drives me crazy. I just can't stand the idea. It makes me nuts.

---

Like- okay stupid I know, but I went onto her Kwick site (undercover) and found pictures of her, him and his brother all posing together at a nightclub party. It was a picture taken by a PR agency so I verified that they were out clubbing together during that time period that I was all sad because he wasn't contacting me. He's partying while I'm sad- that sounds wrong. But then again, so what? Why shouldn't he have a good time? They are still friends...of the opposite sex....who dated for years.....who live in the same apartment...... ugh. *slams head onto desk*

---

I'm such a stalker. I hate this. I've never been wrapped up in a guy like this and I hardly recongize myself. I feel like slipping my head into my plastic H&M bag and breathing deeply. (Don't worry, I won't). But I don't like how this makes me.

---

SEE!!! This is why I don't normally do relationships.

It makes people crazy. ---Or just me? I don't know.

But as crazy as it makes me- I don't want to stop.

And I can't wait for Sunday when I get back.

I think I'll go surprise my sweetie at work. :D

My mind is like a game of Pong- what else is new?

Okay so this post has two purposes. One to info- the other to update.

-Inform-

Did you know that it's posh to have a lisp? According to Dorothee- this is so. We are currently watching a renovation show. And the announcer makes me crack up everytime she talks about the people being on "sched-schual"... hahahaha. OMG! I love it. She talks about "sched-schual" and I just want to roll on the ground giggling my silly head off. Oh, and Dorothee told me another one that is considered "posh" by the Brits "Is-sue" Instead of issue. OMG. If you really want to have fun- go to your boss and tell them "Excuse me sir, but I have a 'Is-sue' with this 'Sched-schual'". hee heee hee. Ahhhh the Brits.

-Update-

Let me put the Thomas thing these way. I went to see him this morning. On the way I wrote the first part of this thing. Then on the way home I wrote the second.

8:19am

Will I be strong enough to do what I think needs to be done?

Will I be smart & wise enough to see truth through the fog of love?

Will I be brave enough to say the things I fear & deal with the outcome?

1:30pm

I'm not strong, I'm not smart or wise. And I am not brave.

I'm in love.

In otherwords, nothing is really ironed out. But I did figure out something important. I had forgetten that since he's on facebook and one of my friends, he has access to my posts that automatically go there too. Oops.

So since he noticed and was going to read the last post anyways- I read it to him. Let's just say I think he understands now (if not before) that this whole ball of shit is really upsetting me. Will that change anything? - probably not... or may so... I'm not sure. But I do know that there are only three ways this is going to end: 1.) Either he's bad and I find out. 2.) he's good and I have to leave him. Or possibly 3.) He's good and he's coming back with me to the US. So basically there's a 66% change of getting hurt. So I want the time that I can get, while I'm happy. Soooo yeah. I may be stupid- but aren't people supposed to be occasionally? If so- I'm cashing my ticket.

Learning the Hard Way

Cover my eyes so I can't see

Tell me things I want to believe

Whisper sweet lies so lovely I burn

I promise that I will never learn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I met with Thomas at the gym today. I had practiced everything I was going to say. I wasn't going to take this treatment anymore, but when I saw him... I remembered everything I love about him.

I wish this was easier. I really do. But the problem is that I've never in my life wondered if someone was lying to me. I've always just assumed everyone tells me the truth. Which is stupid. Because it's impossible for everyone to be telling you the truth 100% of the time.

I honestly don't think he's trying to hurt me. I also don't think he's actually an asshole. I think he just doesn't know how to get himself out of the rock and a hard place he has with his ex-girlfriend.

I've decided that the best that can be done is for me to take myself out of the equation. I want to remain his friend, but more distant- since nearness equates to heartache. I can't be with him while he's living with her. He may not know how to get himself out of the pain his choices cause him, but I don't have to live with his choices. I really don't want to give up on him- if he leaves her while I'm here- I'll skip along back to him. But... looking into the mirror at my bloodshot and shiny with tears eyes. The swollen red nose and the tissues scattered around my desk... I just can't continue to do this. Which really makes me sad. I do deserve better than what I'm getting. It's not so much him trying to hurt me, as much as not stopping the factors in his life from effecting me.

Yes Waiter, I'd like some Stress, with a side of Stress and please hold the antidote

Well, it's official. Dorothee purchased my tickets home today. I'll be leaving from Stuttgart at 11:55pm and arriving in Denver, CO at 6:25pm on Monday, August 3, 2009. Nearly 14 months after I first arrived here. And honestly... I'm ready to go. Granted, my opinion of this "readiness" changes daily- (mostly depending on how much stress I'm feeling here, and if a certain boy is being good to me or not)- but right now I'm ready to go home.

I've slept horribly the last week or so- mostly since the shit with Thomas started. I know in my mind that it's stupid to let a guy have that much control over you- but it's hard to explain that to both your heart and your sub-concious. Those two are very hardheaded. I think I've choosen not to look at this as giving up or going home because I couldn't hack it. I think that already after one year- I've proven that I can do this. (I just can't seem to successfully date German guys).

Oh, and Thomas stood me up last night. I'm not amused. Soooo... I'm not talking to him right now. Yeah.

I Identify with this song

Questions... the answers unknown

Last night while speaking while speaking with Dorothee we had an interesting conversation. It went something like this:

Dorothee: "Tiffany, if it looks, acts, and quacks like a duck. Chances are, it's a duck."
Tiffany: "But what if you don't have all the information to determine whether it's a duck or not. What if you are blind? How does a duck smell?"
Dorothee: "Well, then you roast 'em and taste 'em, and find out."

At this point I bust into giggle convulsions. Hee hee hee.

On the fifth day (yesterday) of supreme irriation, hurt, and downright pissed-off-osity, Thomas finally texted me:

"I love you but I have a lot of trouble to clear. And then I need time for me alone. Please give me the time! Hold on for a couple days and then you get your Thomas back. Kiss Darling."

This message both subdues me, but it also makes me pissed.

Why couldn't he say that earlier?

Why can't I help with this "trouble"?

What is the "trouble"?

Why can't he answer his phone?

Why wait five days?

Exactly how long do I have to wait?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally two questions he should be asking:

Will she still be here when I get back?

Will she wait around after I treated her like that?

Hmmmm.... All very good questions.

Tiffany got pissed off and wrote another poem. Beware!

I love you my dear, I want only you

No other, No, no other will do.

Your eyes, your mouth, your taste my dear

Your voice, your voice is all I hear.

°°°°°°°

Now Run. Now Hide. Now Cover your mouth

For now you must be dumb.

For my balls have rolled away my dear

and it's you I must abstain from.

°°°°°°°

Though it's you I love and no one else

its you whom I must pain

for its much to hard to stand for myself

for I've only my love to gain.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Don't think to badly about him from my poem. He's a great guy. He's just currently sufferering from Male Pattern Stupidity.

Being Better

Wow, it's been a while since I've updated. Most of the time I've been away traveling with my parents. Some of the time was because I was busy with Thomas. And now- Now it's mostly because I have nothing happy to report.

Tuesday I took my parents to the train station in Stuttgart and saw them off on their way home. I thought I would then go hang out with my Sweetie- Thomas. But he didn't respond to my calls. Over and over again. I was really getting worried, because that's not like him. Turns out while I was seeing my parents off, Thomas was being rushed to the hospital for weird heart rhythms. At one point his pulse was over 200 beats per minute. Crazy. So now the boy just needs rest, and less stress. Unfortunately this is not to be.

He still lives with his ex because it's hard to have an apartment on your own in Germany. It's really expensive. He's found a new apartment which he will be moving into at the beginning of August. So I've been understanding. Except since she showed up at the hospital while I was there with Thomas- she's kind of lost it. She actually went onto his Kwick (kind of like myspace in Germany) website and has been deleting my messages to him, and sent me a message- written by her, but under his profile- saying:

"Hello Tiffi...
I'm sorry we must cancel the conetion between us because the relaconship to my girlfriend its too importend and i love her!

So please delet my phonenumber and please dont try to call me!

Take care!"

Ha! Like I would really believe that was him to begin with. This chick is seriously out of her mind. First- that doesn't sound like him. Second- he can't stand her. Third- he never makes that many grammatical mistakes.

Unfortunately he left his iphone on the u-bahn on Tuesday when he was heading home from the hospital. (dumbass). So I can't even call him. It's all very stressful and horrible. But I will be the better woman here. (because I'm already the bigger one ;-) ) and I will not break her into a thousand little pieces as I would like to do. *Sigh* It's not easy being better than others.