A month in review

I haven't posted in a long time. Looking at this blog brings back the memories of Dorothee's treachery. And it's painful. I am soooo mad at her. I wish I had said so many things to her. I wish I had stuck up for myself a great deal more. I was quiet so much because I didn't want to upset her. I saw her as a friend, and I treated her as such. I think I've learned a great deal- I just hoped the overall experience hasn't put me off too much. I try to look at the good things, but it's hard.

But since my last post- I have moved to Colorado Springs. It's not bad here. There is a large German population- I've found a German bakery, and I found a job- though it's not what I would have wanted. I'm a waitress at Mimi's Cafe. I never knew how much work went into being a waitress. I have to not only serve food and get drinks, I have to make bread baskets, muffins, soup, salads and desserts. It's exhausting. Plus I only work a few hours a day- so I'm still looking for a fuller job.

This morning I went for a job interview. I think I did very well. :D YAY! But while I was rushing around trying to get around, I tripped over Holly, flew through the air and landed- breaking my little toe. Damnit. So now I'm laying on the couch, icing my foot, and watching movies.

But I do have some good news- Thomas bought a ticket to come see me a few weeks ago. He will be here October 15th at 7:30pm. I'm so happy about this! He's coming for three months while he tries to find a job. :D I miss my Thomas. Every day he emails me, sometimes he calls, and often we chat online. Thank God for the internet. :D

There's a lot that has happened and it's hard to mention it all. But I do know I'm moving on with my life. And Dorothee can go screw herself... yeah.

Since I Left Germany

It's been 9 days since I left Germany. And while I don't cry as much- I still want to go back. But the hurt is fading. Thomas still says he wants to come. Melly and friends say they want to visit. Will I ever see any of them again? I don't know. Time will tell.

I've taken the opportunity to hang out with my friends. I've gotten coffee (or smoothie in my case) with Jessica. I've hung with Annie and Betsy, and I'm looking forward to a reunion with my friends on Friday. There are bright spots. But there's a lot of sadness.

Coming home has felt like stepping through a portal. Two lives both lived by me- but completely different still. The food here is... delicious- but my tummy isn't used to it and it sits strangely. I've also had an obscene amount of headaches since coming home. I'm stressed beyond belief over having no job prospects (no matter how hard I look) and having even less money.

While I'm thankful my parents have let me settle back under their roof- my dad reminds me constantly that the roof and food aren't free and there's a price to be paid for all of it. This price comes with me doing things for him and not looking for jobs. (granted- I could be doing that now- but I've pretty much given up hope. I'm going to go the temp route).

Holly had her eye removed last Friday. One of her eyes was all scarred over, red and swollen. We decided to go ahead and have it taken out for reasons I don't think you really want to hear. She is now my pirate puppy who we have decided to teach to say "Arrrrr"- she's getting closer.

Oh, and I got one grade back. I have an A in my 1960's class. Was there any doubt? :D

Hold me like you'll never let me go. Cuz I'm leaving on a jet plane

I don't even really know where to begin. I could start with 'Dorothee kicked me out of the house' or I could go with 'Well, folks, I'm going to be home tomorrow. Even though I should be home in two more weeks'. But I think I'll go with 'My heart is breaking, not for no longer seeing my host family, or because I wasn't allowed to tell the girls bye- but because I now have next to no time to tell my friends good-bye.'

I could write all that happened- and it may be easier for me to write it here, rather than repeat it over and over later- but I'm so emotionally drained that... itt's just that it all hurts to much. I feel so betrayed. But beyond my feelings connected to the family- I'm mostly hurting because I have to leave my friends.

Things between me and Thomas are as usual a rollercoaster. Though we are currently friends if nothing else- I still love him, and telling him bye hurts. I knew it would. But it's better than when we are not good. I told Marion and Kalbchen good-bye yesterday. I told Sarah bye just an hour ago. In the morning at 6:30am Judith, Melly, Little Sarah and I will go to the airport to drop me off before they all go to work. And I will say good-bye to the rest. My flight is at 1:20pm. Luckily, instead of waiting 6 hours on my own, Thomas is going to come to the airport- or I will go to his house- and we will hang out after I have checked in until it's time for me to go back and go to the gate. Thank goodness he doesn't work until 1pm- otherwise this would be a very lonely wait.

I'm happy to go home. I just want more time here. It's just not enough. I don't feel sad about not seeing Dorothee or Alex again- at this point I'm too betrayed and hurt. I wish I could have told the girls bye- but I was never really very close to them. There has been so much I could not say on this blog before because Dorothee read it. But now... well, just because they weren't posted, doesn't mean I didn't write it all down.

This year has been.... interesting. I've learned much- and much of it was learned the hard way. I probably could have avoided a lot of trouble if I had just listened to other people. But I don't think I would have really learned anything then. Or at least- not as much.

I've just been trying to enjoy my final time here, and I have. On Thurday Judith and Melly picked me up and took me to Judith's house. We then cracked open the wine. Friday I went to Kindi with Judith and then left to go see Thomas and then to cancel my bank account and other stuff. Then I met up with Judith and Melly again in Wendlingen (where Judith lives) and we went to dinner at an Italian restaurant and then to see Harry Potter 6 in German. It would have been better had Melly and I not slept through it. Saturday I went shopping for plane stuff with Melly then went and had lunch with her and her family. We then picked up Little Sarah and the whole gang met at Judith's to go eat at DockSeven in Esslingen with live music and then we went dancing at Dick until 3am. This morning I went to the Fildorado to hang with Thomas for two hours before I went to Esslingen to meet with the gang for brunch. Since then we got ice cream and have been hanging at Judith's since then. Relaxed and chilling. My stuff is packed, and... this song is hitting close to home. So I will finish with it.

*Sigh*

I really hate having to learn lessons- which I should already know- the hard way. I mean, really, any one of my friends in my position would be getting some really excellent advice from me. But unfortunately me advising myself- really doesn't seem to work so well. Ah well. Good news- Closure secured. I met with Thomas in Stuttgart for Starbucks this morning. We talked. It was good. I got the closure I needed, and we are remaining friends. I told him although I have feelings for him- he just can't give me what I need right now. I deserve better. Overall, I'm feeling so much better after talking with him. I think I can safely go on my final weeks and enjoy the time I have- whether I will hang with him again or not, I don't know. But I've learned not to expect too much (or really, anything) from him. Because he can't be counted on.


I need someone who I can depend on. Who when he says he will do something- I know he will. It can't be a "possibly". But things are now on a much more positive note. Added to that- I finished my classes. I'm completely done and with only three weeks left until I go home- I'm looking to enjoying them. I think I will continue to hope that Thomas gets himself cleaned up- but I won't hold my breath. He still says he loves me, and that he wants to visit me in America- I told him I would love to have him visit- but he would have to get himself cleaned up first. (good luck!)

I would also like to thank everyone who has been putting up with me through this whole thing. (Dorothee, Gina, Jessica, Davia and my mom- there are others too, but these people are probably the ones who are most sick of me and Thomas). Ummm... yeah. Sorry. I'll make it up to you at some point. Thanks for the ears and shoulders.

Bathwater

Read the lyrics.

Know my thoughts.

I'm letting go.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee3nUSyxdBE

Nearly There...

Muahahaha Hee hee hee hee hee!
I just sent in my last paper today! Now I just need to order my finals tomorrow and I'm in business. I take my finals next week and then I am ready to request graduation. All I need to do is request graduation by July 15th then I'm an August 2009 Graduate!!! Woo Hoo!!!

Now all I have to do is study... a lot. I'm not really worried about the 60s final- because I've aced everything so far. But the History of Western Civ. could be an issue. I got a D on the midterm and if I get an F on the final I automatically fail the class- NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Horror of horrors! So I'm really going to be working hard on this. Damn thing is comprehensive too. Ugh.

Oh, and I found out that Thomas is in trouble at work because I come there too often. Oops! But really, as long as he gets his work done what is the big deal? I'm a fit and swim member so if I want to study by the pool, really, they can kiss my ass. But I don't want to get him in trouble. Shit. Oops.

Fixin' Problems and Makin' Progress

I've decided to make my blog more private and less out in the open. So I've switched the web address. Unfortunately- this is a pain in the ass. But it's now done. The only real downside is that I had to change the imported blog on my facebook and that caused it to get rid of all my messages and comments that friends had left. Damn it! I liked those. Oh well, I'm now a bit smarter about my blog. If nothing else I'm learning. ... I hope. I think most people go to my blog through facebook or my website- so I don't think I lost anyone I know. Otherwise I don't really care too much. (sorry.)

In addition, I've decided to change my blog so that only people I've invited can read it. I've just been talking to much about everything recently. If you want to continue being able to read my blog you have until July 5th- so one week- to send me your email address and how I know you. Otherwise you will no longer be able to read my blog. That or be on my facebook friends list. Soooo yeah. There it is. I'm going private.

Okay, so I sent out the 60s final paper yesterday and today I worked really hard on my other paper and I expect to have it finished tomorrow. I will then send it in Monday and be ready to take the finals next week. Woo Hoo! Hmmm I wonder what it's like to have no school worries. It's been so long...... There will be partying on the end of finals night- that I can tell you. :D

The Creeping Crud

I've got what my dad would call "the creeping crud"- which basically means I'm sick. I started feeling sick last night. Then during the night I started sweating and having chills now. Now I'm completely feverish, still doing to sweating/chills thing, and my stomach is revolting against me. Ugghghh. I don't feel good.

And to make matters worse, my mind is being messed with again...I think... I don't know. God, I'm tired of this. I'm really ready to come home. That's one nice thing about coming back. I just get to drop the baggage off at the plane terminal and walk away from it. Let it solve itself and leave it at that.

I'm still working on my last paper. I'm going to rope some people into looking at it for me, then I'm going to send the sucker in and request my finals. Yay! I want to be done soooo much. One less thing to stress me out.

As far as my mind being messed with, I really want to go down to Fildorado and find out what is what, but I really don't feel well. I figure I'll see how I feel these evening and take it from there. I know where he is until 10:30pm. so I can always try to track him down. Unfortunately this crud has made me have to cancel my party plans with my friends tonight. Which really bums me out. But knowing how late they will want to stay out clubbing---it's just not a good idea.

Just a Spoon Full of Sugar...

I'm currently trying to get ready and pack everything to go to the Rheingau today. Dorothee and Alex's big shindig is starting tonight and running until Sunday. It's their combined 40th B-day party and they invited like 46 of their closest friends. It should be interesting. From what I've seen this is going to be a really fancy party- like I've never been to... okay, Cottey's Hanging of the Greens was pretty fancy- but that was a college and this is a couple. I'm excited. Added to that I finally have a reason to wear one of my cute little dresses I brought with me.

When tried on the little black dress and the little red dress Dorothee asked me where I had been hiding them. I wasn't really hiding them, I just never had anywhere to wear them. But I do now, and I'm excited. I even went and bought new shoes. They are high heeled, open toed, white with black lace cover with a patent leather bow. (that description was more for the female readers than the males.) I've very excited. I will post party pictures of my getup. Oh, and what makes me super excited is that I'm going to wear the red dress- which- since I've been working out so much and have lost quite a bit of weight (especially in but and waist) I look really good in it!

There is one part of this trip that makes me just want to say "no, that's okay. You can go without me." and that is that for over 2 hours I'm going to be sandwiched between the hulking kiddie seats in the backseat of the Land Rover. And while you may think-- Land Rover's are huge. What are you talking about?- well. Not big enough. I'll have to post a picture- but it's a damn tight squeeze- and I'm caustrophobic. Not a fan of small spaces. They make me panic attack-ish. ugh.

In other news:

Thomas and I have returned to our pre-hospital state of happiness. I get to see him everyday- which like a spoon full of sugar- makes the medicine of work, papers, school, homesick, and stress go down. In a most delightful way. lol :D I'm looking forward to the party today- but I'm going to not see Thomas for THREE DAYS! *gasp of horror* I KNOW! It's terrible- but somehow through the miracle of cell phones- I plan to survive. :D


Dorothee got the cast taken off and an astronaut boot replaced it. I'm really happy that at least she can somewhat walk now. Which is good.

Carola's sneaky gene still hasn't quite got it right yet. I guess she decided she didn't want to eat the stuff her mom packed for her for snack at school. Instead of getting rid of it in a trashcan between here and school (the sneaky thing to do) she instead threw it away in her bedroom trashcan. Which - HELLLO!!!! Is completely findable. And find it Dorothee did. And screaming- Dorothee did. Completely reasonable. Carola is very bad at following rule number 1- because she always gets caught- (Let's hope it stays this way... the getting caught part).

************

*Added on after Original Posting*

I feel I have to come back and add this.

(Writing is how I work things out, deal with me.)

----------------

How stupid is this? I saw him about 13 hours ago- I saw him twice yesterday and I'm going through withdraw. Whenever I'm away I miss him almost immediately. I've never been wrapped up in a guy like this. If I were on the outside looking in I would think "Holy Shit! A Stalker!"- then I would run for cover. I think that's why the whole "Living with Psycho Ex" thing drives me crazy. I just can't stand the idea. It makes me nuts.

---

Like- okay stupid I know, but I went onto her Kwick site (undercover) and found pictures of her, him and his brother all posing together at a nightclub party. It was a picture taken by a PR agency so I verified that they were out clubbing together during that time period that I was all sad because he wasn't contacting me. He's partying while I'm sad- that sounds wrong. But then again, so what? Why shouldn't he have a good time? They are still friends...of the opposite sex....who dated for years.....who live in the same apartment...... ugh. *slams head onto desk*

---

I'm such a stalker. I hate this. I've never been wrapped up in a guy like this and I hardly recongize myself. I feel like slipping my head into my plastic H&M bag and breathing deeply. (Don't worry, I won't). But I don't like how this makes me.

---

SEE!!! This is why I don't normally do relationships.

It makes people crazy. ---Or just me? I don't know.

But as crazy as it makes me- I don't want to stop.

And I can't wait for Sunday when I get back.

I think I'll go surprise my sweetie at work. :D

My mind is like a game of Pong- what else is new?

Okay so this post has two purposes. One to info- the other to update.

-Inform-

Did you know that it's posh to have a lisp? According to Dorothee- this is so. We are currently watching a renovation show. And the announcer makes me crack up everytime she talks about the people being on "sched-schual"... hahahaha. OMG! I love it. She talks about "sched-schual" and I just want to roll on the ground giggling my silly head off. Oh, and Dorothee told me another one that is considered "posh" by the Brits "Is-sue" Instead of issue. OMG. If you really want to have fun- go to your boss and tell them "Excuse me sir, but I have a 'Is-sue' with this 'Sched-schual'". hee heee hee. Ahhhh the Brits.

-Update-

Let me put the Thomas thing these way. I went to see him this morning. On the way I wrote the first part of this thing. Then on the way home I wrote the second.

8:19am

Will I be strong enough to do what I think needs to be done?

Will I be smart & wise enough to see truth through the fog of love?

Will I be brave enough to say the things I fear & deal with the outcome?

1:30pm

I'm not strong, I'm not smart or wise. And I am not brave.

I'm in love.

In otherwords, nothing is really ironed out. But I did figure out something important. I had forgetten that since he's on facebook and one of my friends, he has access to my posts that automatically go there too. Oops.

So since he noticed and was going to read the last post anyways- I read it to him. Let's just say I think he understands now (if not before) that this whole ball of shit is really upsetting me. Will that change anything? - probably not... or may so... I'm not sure. But I do know that there are only three ways this is going to end: 1.) Either he's bad and I find out. 2.) he's good and I have to leave him. Or possibly 3.) He's good and he's coming back with me to the US. So basically there's a 66% change of getting hurt. So I want the time that I can get, while I'm happy. Soooo yeah. I may be stupid- but aren't people supposed to be occasionally? If so- I'm cashing my ticket.

Learning the Hard Way

Cover my eyes so I can't see

Tell me things I want to believe

Whisper sweet lies so lovely I burn

I promise that I will never learn.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I met with Thomas at the gym today. I had practiced everything I was going to say. I wasn't going to take this treatment anymore, but when I saw him... I remembered everything I love about him.

I wish this was easier. I really do. But the problem is that I've never in my life wondered if someone was lying to me. I've always just assumed everyone tells me the truth. Which is stupid. Because it's impossible for everyone to be telling you the truth 100% of the time.

I honestly don't think he's trying to hurt me. I also don't think he's actually an asshole. I think he just doesn't know how to get himself out of the rock and a hard place he has with his ex-girlfriend.

I've decided that the best that can be done is for me to take myself out of the equation. I want to remain his friend, but more distant- since nearness equates to heartache. I can't be with him while he's living with her. He may not know how to get himself out of the pain his choices cause him, but I don't have to live with his choices. I really don't want to give up on him- if he leaves her while I'm here- I'll skip along back to him. But... looking into the mirror at my bloodshot and shiny with tears eyes. The swollen red nose and the tissues scattered around my desk... I just can't continue to do this. Which really makes me sad. I do deserve better than what I'm getting. It's not so much him trying to hurt me, as much as not stopping the factors in his life from effecting me.

Yes Waiter, I'd like some Stress, with a side of Stress and please hold the antidote

Well, it's official. Dorothee purchased my tickets home today. I'll be leaving from Stuttgart at 11:55pm and arriving in Denver, CO at 6:25pm on Monday, August 3, 2009. Nearly 14 months after I first arrived here. And honestly... I'm ready to go. Granted, my opinion of this "readiness" changes daily- (mostly depending on how much stress I'm feeling here, and if a certain boy is being good to me or not)- but right now I'm ready to go home.

I've slept horribly the last week or so- mostly since the shit with Thomas started. I know in my mind that it's stupid to let a guy have that much control over you- but it's hard to explain that to both your heart and your sub-concious. Those two are very hardheaded. I think I've choosen not to look at this as giving up or going home because I couldn't hack it. I think that already after one year- I've proven that I can do this. (I just can't seem to successfully date German guys).

Oh, and Thomas stood me up last night. I'm not amused. Soooo... I'm not talking to him right now. Yeah.

Questions... the answers unknown

Last night while speaking while speaking with Dorothee we had an interesting conversation. It went something like this:

Dorothee: "Tiffany, if it looks, acts, and quacks like a duck. Chances are, it's a duck."
Tiffany: "But what if you don't have all the information to determine whether it's a duck or not. What if you are blind? How does a duck smell?"
Dorothee: "Well, then you roast 'em and taste 'em, and find out."

At this point I bust into giggle convulsions. Hee hee hee.

On the fifth day (yesterday) of supreme irriation, hurt, and downright pissed-off-osity, Thomas finally texted me:

"I love you but I have a lot of trouble to clear. And then I need time for me alone. Please give me the time! Hold on for a couple days and then you get your Thomas back. Kiss Darling."

This message both subdues me, but it also makes me pissed.

Why couldn't he say that earlier?

Why can't I help with this "trouble"?

What is the "trouble"?

Why can't he answer his phone?

Why wait five days?

Exactly how long do I have to wait?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally two questions he should be asking:

Will she still be here when I get back?

Will she wait around after I treated her like that?

Hmmmm.... All very good questions.

Tiffany got pissed off and wrote another poem. Beware!

I love you my dear, I want only you

No other, No, no other will do.

Your eyes, your mouth, your taste my dear

Your voice, your voice is all I hear.

°°°°°°°

Now Run. Now Hide. Now Cover your mouth

For now you must be dumb.

For my balls have rolled away my dear

and it's you I must abstain from.

°°°°°°°

Though it's you I love and no one else

its you whom I must pain

for its much to hard to stand for myself

for I've only my love to gain.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Don't think to badly about him from my poem. He's a great guy. He's just currently sufferering from Male Pattern Stupidity.

Being Better

Wow, it's been a while since I've updated. Most of the time I've been away traveling with my parents. Some of the time was because I was busy with Thomas. And now- Now it's mostly because I have nothing happy to report.

Tuesday I took my parents to the train station in Stuttgart and saw them off on their way home. I thought I would then go hang out with my Sweetie- Thomas. But he didn't respond to my calls. Over and over again. I was really getting worried, because that's not like him. Turns out while I was seeing my parents off, Thomas was being rushed to the hospital for weird heart rhythms. At one point his pulse was over 200 beats per minute. Crazy. So now the boy just needs rest, and less stress. Unfortunately this is not to be.

He still lives with his ex because it's hard to have an apartment on your own in Germany. It's really expensive. He's found a new apartment which he will be moving into at the beginning of August. So I've been understanding. Except since she showed up at the hospital while I was there with Thomas- she's kind of lost it. She actually went onto his Kwick (kind of like myspace in Germany) website and has been deleting my messages to him, and sent me a message- written by her, but under his profile- saying:

"Hello Tiffi...
I'm sorry we must cancel the conetion between us because the relaconship to my girlfriend its too importend and i love her!

So please delet my phonenumber and please dont try to call me!

Take care!"

Ha! Like I would really believe that was him to begin with. This chick is seriously out of her mind. First- that doesn't sound like him. Second- he can't stand her. Third- he never makes that many grammatical mistakes.

Unfortunately he left his iphone on the u-bahn on Tuesday when he was heading home from the hospital. (dumbass). So I can't even call him. It's all very stressful and horrible. But I will be the better woman here. (because I'm already the bigger one ;-) ) and I will not break her into a thousand little pieces as I would like to do. *Sigh* It's not easy being better than others.

I've been...busy. hee hee

Okay, so it turns out when I date a guy- I'm not home as much. Or at least- not at home when I'm not working. So this just doesn't get updated as much. :D I've been super busy- mostly with hanging out with Thomas. You may be wondering what he looks like. Here:

Cute yes? I think so too. :D

I have to say it completely dumbfounds me. I'm the dork. I'm the German Club President/braces wearing/bad perm/gifted education/debate/cello playing/glasses wearing Dork. So what's the cute guy doing with me? It's true- High School never ends. Because I can't get over who I used to be then.

Speaking of high school--someone will have to explain to me why the guys who were jerks to me then, think that I should add them as friends on facebook. Ha ha. As if!

There's a really goofy smile on my face

Hee hee hee

This week has gone by so fast. Seriously. I have gotten to hang out with Thomas everyday- which makes me very happy, and I made it through my morning classes without falling asleep! Yay! I also started working out regularly this week- this may have more to do with hanging with Thomas than my actual wish to be fit. :D But seriously- it's a good thing. My arms hurt from lifting weights- though it's funny as hell. I lift 1/4 the weight he does. I'm such a weenie.

Updates! Updates!

So I had my first date with Thomas last night. It was really fun. We went to Fildorado since he works there and I knew where it was. Besides- he had already seen me in my bikini so no new news there. It was fun- and we're going to get together again next week. Oh and joy- he can speak English. Which makes things easier on me. :D

I'm getting ready to leave shortly to go to Dusseldorf with the family. From there I will take a train to Aachen where I will stay with Dorothee's cousin, Ursula. It's really super nice of her to take me in for the weekend. :D I'll update you on my trip when I get back. :D

Holla yo!

I'm currently in the middle of pumping my arms up and down in the air.

Why? Read on.

1. Cute guy gave me his number- I texted. And now have a date for tomorrow night! Woo hoo! Turns out he was really nervous and had to work up courage to ask me out. He had also been afraid that I the kids were mine. (Since he usually sees me when I bring the girls to the pool.) and that I was already married. (as if!) I assured him I was only the au pair. :D I feel like it's at the end of the Scooby Doo episode and I should be saying "..and I would have had him too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" But everything worked out- so I don't have to curse their non-existant dog either.

2. Carola just came back after going to her friends house. She rang the bell- I leaned out my window like the gatekeeper in the Wizard of Oz and inquired as to what she required from me. She said she was just coming to let me know they were going to a different friends house. I okayed this and she ran off again. Be still my beating heart! She can be taught! She actually let me know where she was going and this thrills me to no end since we were having such trouble before. Woo hoo!

Now for a change in subject.

Hee hee hee. Okay so I took the girls to the pool today. As we were walking to the bus I told Carola I was excited about getting to see the cute guy who works at the pool. Carola said "Oh, you mean the one with the brown hair?" That's right- even she could tell. So we go to the pool. And he's there! Long story short- he says he likes it when I come, what's my name, how old am I? I tell him, learn his name is Thomas, and assure him- I don't have kids. Then sly-ly as I'm putting the dishes on the rack he walks over lays a piece of paper down with his name and number on it, and walks away... smiling at me over his shoulder. *squeal* I'm sooooo calling later tonight! Wish me luck!