Last Post as an Au Pair

(Written during layover in Chicago before last leg of Journey to back to KC)
I cannot possibly explain how much I do not want to be in America at this moment. The second my foot left the ground to climb the stairs which would take me the plane and away from Stuttgart- I swear my heart stopped for a beat or two. I was so not ready to leave, and the thought of leaving Germany was breaking my heart. Saying good-bye to my friends as we all shed tears was so painful. Saying good-bye to Thomas, seeing him off on his s-bahn so he could go to work, and I to my gate- had us both red eyed. The texts he sent me, saying we must not be parted… that can please please please God, don’t let me leave. Hurt so much. Oh course I’ll be happy to see my KC friends again. But on Friday I have to tell them bye too. Then I go to Colorado for I don’t know how long. To a place where I know no one. I have no friends. And I do not want to be.


Poor Melanie. She wanted me to stay so bad. She asked her parents if she moved out of the house, could I have her room. lol. She’s so sweet, and that makes leaving her that much more painful. Ever since Dorothee told me I had to leave, I have felt as though an invisible force were pulling me forward, to a place I don’t want to be. I’ve been leaning back and away, digging my heels into the ground, trying to stop being pulled to the inevitable- but I can’t stop it. I know I have no control, and I hate it.



Right now I’m sitting at gate B8 in Chicago. Waiting for my final flight to Kansas City. And all I can think about is how much I don’t want to be here. When I get home, I’m going to cry myself to sleep. I have cried the last few days, I cried in my friend’s arms, I cried in Thomas’ arms. I cried in bed, and in the shower. I cried on every leg of this journey. And I wonder when my tears will run dry.